Ermergerd-Lock: The Blind Banker (Sequel to A Study in Pink)
by accio-feels
Summary: A mysterious cipher is being scrawled on the walls around London. The first person to see the cipher is dead within hours of reading it. Ermergerd-Lock plunges into a world of codes and symbols, prosulting with London's best graffiti artists. He soon learns that the city is in the grip a gang of international smugglers, a secret society call the Black Water Flower. A lot of swears!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_hey darling reader!_

_So, this is technically the sequel to _Ermergerd-Lock: A Study in Pink, _but you don't have to read it if you haven't yet. All you really need to know is Ermergerd-Lock Better-Homes (Sherlock Holmes) can't say Iraq, and calls it Iraqu. Jawn Wats-Off (John Watson) had to put up with Ermergerd-Lock saying he came back from Afghanistand._

_Whatelse? Mrs Houdini (Mrs Hudson) is a junkie, Gavin Lestrade (Greg Lestrade) has OCD and is particular about germs. He works with Sally Minivan (who's somewhat of a BAMF) and the pretentious brat, Anderson._

_Most names have been changed for humour factor, there is a lot of swearing, a disclaimer for all my stories can be found on my profile, and no offense is intended._

_I can't imagine this will be very funny, not really my favourite episode. I do promise that the next one will be humerous and will feature the ever-fabulous, Mormon-Arty, someone we are yet to meet._

_I used the transcript from . com but I've changed most, if not all, words :)_

_I've said much._

_Enjoy_

_X_

* * *

Soo Long Lmao took a large pinch of tea leaves from a bowl and dropped them unceremoniously into a teapot before pouring water in. She was a little distracted by the oriental flute music in the background. The National Antiquities Museum had demanded that the music play while she demonstrated the ancient Chinese clay tea set they had. She was more than a little pissed that she had children and a few adults watching. Children always want to try the tea and she always said no. She had a secret tea fetish and she had to keep the tea for herself.

"The great artisans say the more the teapot is used, the more beautiful it becomes," she told those who had gathered around.

Soo Long Lmao poured some more water into the teapot and groaned. She had overfilled it. That means, as per usual, she'd have to bullshit her way through this. Soo Long pressed the lid into place, the excess water spilling over the sides of the pot. _'There's no going back now,' _she thought and picked up a small jug. Soo Long poured the liquid over the pot and looked up at the viewers.

"The pot is seasoned by repeatedly pouring tea over the surface. The deposit left on the clay creates this beautiful patina over time." She held up the wet teapot to show everyone, marvelling at her skills of bullshitting. She was more successful that a high schooler bullshitting the meaning of a poem in English class. "For some pots, the clay has been burnished by tea made over four hundred years ago."

_'More like four minutes ago,' _she thought to herself before putting the pot down.

* * *

A while later, when all the visitors had gone and the oriental music was turned off, Soo Long began to dry the teapot with a makeup brush. She was sure her boss would flip her shit if it was discovered Soo Long was destroying the ancient tea set.

An announcement caused Soo Long to smile. "This museum will be closing in ten minutes."

Finally. Once she got off, she was going to go on a date with this person she met online. She was excited to meet someone who wasn't an idiot at a museum.

Speaking of which, one of her colleagues walked over and watched her silently.

"Four hundred years old and they're letting you make tea! LOL!" Andy Galbraith said.

Soo Long disliked Andy. She didn't really know what he did here. She suspected he just showed up and pretended to work. "Some things aren't supposed to be behind glass all the time."

She turned and looked at him and raising her eyebrows as if to say 'what do you want now?' When he didn't reply, she turned around and continued packing up.

"These pots need attention," she continued, deciding to bore him away. She held up a dry pot without any shine. She had to continue her bullshiting and do whatever she had to to get him away. "The clay is cracking. I'll have to make tea tomorrow."

"Well, I can't see how a tiny splash of tea's gonna help," he said before grinning nervously.

"Sometimes," she started, "you have to look hard at something to see its value." She put the teapot down before grabbing another one. "See? This one shines a little brighter."

But Andy was determined. He had a huge, raging crush on Soo Long and this was his chance to ask her out. "Would you like to have a drink with me? Like, not tea, you've already had some. Like a beer or something? I dunno. Maybe we could go to a pub tonight?"

Without looking at him, Soo Long put the pot down and rolled her eyes. Why did everyone just assume everyone in London were straight? "You wouldn't like me all that much."

"Couldn't I maybe decide that for myself?" he asked.

She was so close to turning around and just yelling 'I'M A LESBIAN!' but she couldn't bring herself to. She didn't want her colleagues to know yet. "I can't. I'm sorry. Please stop asking," she said.

Andy frowned as she closed the box and walked away. He was gonna date her, even if it was the last thing he'd do.

* * *

After the lights had been turned off and the doors were closed for the night (which, mind you, was only ten minutes after her conversation with Andy), Soo Long started to put away the tea sets in the basement archive. There were rows and rows of bookcases as one would find in a library. She was in the section she had marked out with Hello Kitty stickers. As she put one of her cases in it's spot, a noise startled her.

She turned around and looked out. "Is that Security? I work here, you know!" But, with no response, she put the set away and walked away from the bookcase type things and peered out. "Hello?"

To her right, a large, tall, narrow object stood, covered in a white sheet that seemed to billow in a breeze, despite the fact that there was a large protest a few months back to keep all windows closed and no air-conditioning to preserve the artefacts. That had been her first tip off.

Of course, she had to investigate. I mean, she's a smart person, unlike those people in those crime shows (or _Supernatural, _if we're gonna get specific), who think 'this is dangerous! I could die!' and then check it out. Like, she knew that she was in a very secure location and there was a low chance of anything happening.

She pulled off the sheet that concealed the object and her face filled with horror and fear

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" she screamed as the museum put over a fabulous tune that Soo Long would've enjoyed, had she not have been in the situation she was in. She didn't know what Ermergerd-Lock was, but the music that accompanied the word was fab!


	2. Chapter 2

Jawn Wats-Off stood in front of a self-service checkout, scanning his items from his basket. A large queue formed behind him as he scanned the next item.

"Unexpected item in bagging area. Please try again," the automated voice said.

As Jawn tackled his enemy that is technology, Ermergerd-Lock Better-Homes was in 221B Baker Street, being attacked by a heavily robed bro whose face was covered in various scarves. He had a curved sword in his hands and tried to slash at Ermergerd-Lock who backed up and ducked to avoid the weapon. They continued to fight and Ermergerd-Lock made it look rather simple. He kicked the bro in the chest and the bro stumbled backwards. As he considers himself somewhat of a BAMF, Ermergerd-Lock straightened his jacket as though his life depended on it before starting to charge at the man, his cheek bones turning into swords as he ran.

Meanwhile, Jawn had tried to scan lettuce, moving it slowly across the scanner so it could read the barcode.

"Item not scanned! Please try again!" it screamed out.

Jawn sighed and straightened up. He looked over his shoulder at the pissed off shoppers and back at the machine. "Can ya keep your voice down? I invaded Afghanistan; I have no problem in shooting you."

As his battle continued, Ermergerd-Lock was still having difficulties in the flat. Ermergerd-Lock was pinned to the table and the bro tied to stab him but his knifey swordy thing got stuck in the table instead.

Basically, Jawn's card didn't work and he had no cash so he walked out, feeling embarrassed and Ermergerd-Lock beat the bro.

It was a rather unnecessary thing. I should've left it out. Actually, this episode is gonna be rather boring. You're welcome to wait for the next one. That'll be funny; very funny.

* * *

A bit later, Ermergerd-Lock is sat in his armchair, reading a book about a very hungry caterpillar. Ermergerd-Lock was a very hungry caterpillar until he evolved into a higher thinking being. Jawn walked into the lounge room and looked about as though he thought something was off, as if something happened in his absence.

"You took you time," Ermergerd-Lock said, still reading. It was fascinating what this caterpillar could eat! What'd be next?

Jawn bit his lip. "Yeah, I didn't get the shopping."

After lifting the book down a bit, Ermererd-Lock looked up at Jawn, a large from on his face. "What? Why the bloody hell not?"

"Because," Jawn started, "I had a row, in the shop, with a chip-and-PIN machine."

Ermergerd-Lock snorted. "What, did it call you a lil bitch, too? You have to get over yourself."

"Well, I shouted abuse at it and it sat there. Do you have any cash?" Jawn asked, blushing at Ermergerd-Lock's words.

"No," Ermererd-Lock said. "I spent the last on this book. But take my card. I'm pretty loaded," he said with a chuckle.

Jawn found Ermererd-Lock's wallet lying on the table and he picked it up. "You could've gone to the shops. You've been sitting there all morning. That's where you were when I left," Jawn sighed. The detective had a magic flashback of that fight that was rather irrelevant. He was interrupted when Jawn started to talk again. "What about that case? The Dariah Diamond?"

"Not interested," Ermergerd-Lock said while looking about for a bookmark. He sees something and pales. Underneath his chair, a large sword that looked like something from a museum… like Soo Long's museum, for example. Ermergerd-Lock kicked the sword thing out of sight while Jawn was oblivious, flipping through Ermergerd-Lock's wallet, ignoring the picture of baby!Lock. "I sent them a message." He had another quick magic flashback of him ending the fight, viciously murdering the bro.

Jawn found the card but frowned as he saw a mark on the table. He rubbed it, just in case it was a mark that could be removed, but it was to no avail. It was a knife mark and Jawn was sus.

"Fucking Ermergerd-Lock. What a dick," he muttered.

TL;DR: Jawn's broke and has Ermergerd-Lock's card. Ermergerd-Lock loves The Very Hungry Caterpillar because he sees it as his spirit animal. Ermergerd-Lock keeps secrets from Jawn that's either unnecessary or too long to talk about.

* * *

Jawn had his arms filled with shopping bags. With every movement, there was a clatter of the shopping hitting against each other. He dramatized the action by stumbling against walls and the lounge room door.

"Don't worry about me," he said sarcastically. "I can manage."

Ermergerd-Lock sat at the dining room table, his hands folded under his chin as he looked at the laptop screen. "K, Jawn."

With a sigh, Jawn dumped the bags onto the kitchen table, an action that went unnoticed by Ermergerd-Lock who was engrossed in reading an e-mail. Jawn looked at the detective and frowned.

"Hold up a diddly darn second. Is that my laptop?" he asked, pointing a shaking finger at the laptop in front of Ermergerd-Lock.

The detective started to type, a small smirk on his face. "Of course it is. Got a problem, lil bitch?"

"What?! That's _mine!_"

"Well," Ermergerd-Lock started, "mine was in the bedroom."

Jawn froze for a second. "Sorry, did you say 'the bedroom'?"

"Er, yes?" Ermergerd-Lock said, still typing.

"Why didn't you say 'my bedroom'? By saying 'the', there's the insinuation that there's only one bedroom. For Christ's sake, Ermergerd-Lock, this is why Minivan invited us to a PFLAG meeting! You can't insinuate that we're a couple!" Jawn exclaimed before running his fingers in his hair. "Fuck me," he muttered.

Ermergerd-Lock held up an accusative finger and looked at Jawn. "Ah! But, whenever you say 'fuck me', there's the insinuation that you wish for the demand to be fulfilled. So if _I'm _insinuating, _you _are too, and worse!"

The detective gave a knowing look to Jawn before looking back at the laptop. Jawn felt heat bubbling in his cheeks.

"Alright, alright. Forgetting all the insinuations and whatnot, which, by the way, is mostly your fault, why didn't you get your own laptop? Couldn't you be bothered?" he asked, trying to get his cheeks to calm the fuck down. Ermergerd-Lock didn't reply and Jawn sighed. "My laptop is password protected!"

"Look, no offense," Ermergerd-Lock started, "but it only took me 25 seconds to guess the password. It's not exactly Fort Knox. And besides, my name is Ermergerd-Lock. If I couldn't pick locks, both real and metaphorical, like this case, why do you think there'd be a 'Lock' at the end of my name? It's not so Mrs Houdini, Scotland Yard, all of England, and the entire freakin' world can call us 'JawnLock'. No. It's because I'm a boss ass bitch. So suck it up, loser."

Jawn was beyond done. Ermergerd-Lock sucks. "Right, thank you."

"You're very welcome," he said as Jawn walked over. The doctor slammed the lid down, catching Ermergerd-Lock's finger. "Mother of GOD!" he yelled, pulling his fingers away from the laptop.

"Well, that's what you get," Jawn said before taking the laptop and putting it on his armchair before sitting on the ground. He grabbed a pile of envelopes from the coffee table and opened some up. A few contained letters (P, Q and R, to his confusion. What was he going to do with a P, a Q, and an R?), and one bill. "Oh. Oh no," he muttered before opening it up. He looked at the amount owed and felt his eyes bulge from their sockets, in a metaphorical sense, of course. "Christ. I'm gonna need to get a job. If only I had some qualifications…"

Ermergerd-Lock steepled his fingers beneath his chin. "You _have _qualifications. You're a doctor, idjit. Besides, jobs are so _boring!_"

"Listen, um..." Jawn started, feeling awkward to the max. "If you'd be able to lend me some…" he looked over at Ermergerd-Lock who seemed to be running about his mind palace. "Ermergerd-Lock, are you listening to me?"

But Ermergerd-Lock wasn't listening to Jawn. "I need to go to the bank, stat!"

He stood up and grabbed his coat before rushing down the stairs. Jawn sighed and stood up, rushing after the detective.


	3. Chapter 3

The duo arrived at the Shad Sanderson Bank. Ermergerd-Lock was the first to walk through the revolving door. Actually, he walked around a few times before Jawn got in with him and dragged him out. And crap on a cracker! The interior was pretty and it reminded Jawn of how poor he was.

"When you said we were going to the bank… I kind of thought not this?" Jawn muttered while Ermergerd-Lock got onto the escalator.

Jawn jumped on behind him and looked around. This was, like, the headquarters of the bank. If Jawn had hoped to get some money here from Ermergerd-Lock's card, he was sorely mistaken. Ermergerd-Lock was thinking about how he'd steal from here. The security had a swipy swipy card thing to open glass barrier gates. Smashing the glass would be easier than screwing about with the technology. ERMERGERD-LOCK SMASH!

When they reached the top, Ermergerd-Lock walked up to the reception. Jawn joined him and looked over at the receptionist.

"Ermergerd-Lock Better-Homes," the detective said.

The receptionist nodded and typed the name into the computer. Jawn, feeling lucky, decided to take a chance. He hit on everyone, regardless of the situation. Except Minivan. He didn't like the fact she doesn't like Ermergerd-Lock.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes and looked at Ermergerd-Lock. "Head on through."

* * *

A bit of time later, the Baker Street Boys were standing in the office of Sebastian Yikes' office. He walked in and grinned at Ermergerd-Lock.

"Ermergerd-Lock Better-Homes," he said with with an American accent, typically associated with cowboys. He smiled and extending his hands to Ermergerd-Lock.

The detective forced a small smile. "Sebastian."

Sebastian grabbed lifted Ermergerd-Lock's hands up to his face and kissed the back of the detective's hands, to everyone's confusion.

"Howdy, buddy. How long's it been? Eight years since I last clapped eyes on ya?" the banker said.

Ermergerd-Lock tried to hide his hatred for Sebastian, but to no avail. "This," he all but spat while gesturing to Jawn, "is my friend, Jawn Wats-Off."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow and smirked a little. "Friend?"

"Colleague," Jawn clarified, giving Ermergerd-Lock an irritated look.

"Riiiiight," Sebastian said with a wink. Sebastian scratched his neck and Ermerged-Lock peered at the bankers watch. "Well, take a seat! D'ya need anythin'? Coffee, water?"

Ermergerd-Lock shook his head and Jawn said "no."

"No?" Sebastian said and looked up to the doorway where his secretary had magically transported to. "We're all sorted, thanks."

As the secretary walked out, Jawn spun around. "Hey, gorgeous," he called.

But the woman continued to walk, thinking Jawn had spoken to Ermergerd-Lock. Sebastian sat down at his desk and the Baker Street Boys (BSB) sat down on the opposite side.

"So, you're doing well. You've been abroad a lot," Ermergerd-Lock said in a formal tone, the most formal Jawn had ever heard.

"Well, some," Sebastian said with a smile.

Ermergerd-Lock raised an eyebrow. "Flying all the way round the world twice in a month?"

Jawn frowned in confusion while Sebastian started to laugh and point at Ermergerd-Lock as though this was the circus. "You're doin' that thang!" He looked over at Jawn and smiled. "We were at uni together, he an' I. This guy, he did this trick."

"It's not a trick," Ermergerd-Lock muttered to himself.

Sebastian ignored him and continued talking to Jawn. "He could look at ya and tell your entire life story."

"Yes, I know. We've solved crimes together, been colleagues for a while. He did the same to me. I don't know why you're telling me any of this," Jawn said before looking at Ermergerd-Lock with confusion. "Why is he saying this?"

As Ermergerd-Lock gave a half-hearted shrug at Jawn, Sebastian continued. "Put the wind up everybody. We hated him!"

The detective looked away, biting his lip as he felt tears welling. Yeah, everyone hated him when he was there. Of course, living with Mycroft Better-Homes for most of his life really fucked shit up when uni happened. He didn't know how to make friends, and, as such, he was alone for most of it, getting bullied by the other kids who called him names. Sticks and stones may break his bones, but words create unhealable scars that stayed with him forever.

"You'd come down to breakfast in the Formal Hall," Sebastian continued, "an' this freak would know you'd had the sex the previous night."

"I-I simply observed," Ermergerd-Lock managed out.

Sebastian smiled and crossed his arms while leaning back in his chair. "Come on, then! Two trips in a month, flyin' around the world- you're spot on. How'd ya know?" Ermergerd-Lock opened his mouth to say something when Sebastian cut him off. "You're gonna tell me there was, um, a stain on my tie from some special kind of ketchup you can only buy in Manhattan."

Jawn smiled. That's exactly what Ermergerd-Lock would say. He had no idea how much pain was going on in Ermergerd-Lock at that very moment. No-one did.

"No, I-"

"Maybe it was the mud on my shoes!" Sebastian guffawed for a few moments and sighed, looking at Ermergerd-Lock.

There was a pause before Ermergerd-Lock opened his mouth. "I was just chatting with your secretary outside. She told me."

Jawn was confused as to why it was such an ordinary explanation for Ermergerd-Lock. Lil bitch should keep his opinions to himself.

Sebastian laughed humorously and Ermergerd-Lock smiled back in the same fashion.

"Anyway," Sebastian started after another small pause, very seriously, "I'm glad you could make it over. We've had a break-in."

* * *

BSB and Sebastian Yikes walked across the trading floor and towards another door.

"Sir William was the bank's former Chairman. His office has been left here like a memorial. But, someone broke in last night," Sebastian unlocked the door using his security card.

"What did they steal?" Jawn asked.

Sebastian shrugged and opened the door. "Nothin'. They just left a little message for us."

There was a large portrait hung up behind a large desk in the room. The portrait was of the late Sir William Shat. On the left of the portrait, on the wall, some arse had tagged graffiti in yellow paint. It looked somewhat like the letter eight… I mean number eight. The number eight is not a letter and does not fit in between the letter 'L' and the letter 'M'. Under no circumstances may you add '8' between 'L' and 'M'. At least, that's what the Government doesn't want you to do…

Anyway, the number eight was tagged on the wall, except it was modified. The top of the eight was flat and didn't touch the other side, like, it was open. Does this make any sense? It probably doesn't. Like, this is the letter number 8. Imagine the top bit flat and sticky uppy a bit.

But that wasn't the end of it (well, that was the end of the 8). The portrait had yellow paint across the eyes in a single, horizontal line. The paint has run down the face a bit. Jawn actually thought it looked pretty darn fabulous!

Sebastian walked towards the desk and stepped aside so the BSB could check out the graffiti. He looked over at Ermergerd-Lock and bit his lip, anticipating what Ermergerd-Lock would say. But the detective stood, fixated on the graffiti.

* * *

**A/N: **_Hey, darling reader!_

_Well, the plan at the moment is to post one, maybe two, chapters a day. _A Study in Pink _was posted within a few days and I'm gonna stretch it out a bit so that way everyone has a chance to read and catch up and, let's be honest, who doesn't love getting e-mails telling them that a story has been posted?_

_I hope you enjoyed this part, I'm starting to get into this. If you have any suggestions or want to see something made fun of, let me know._

_Actually, I do need some specific help. In TBB, Sherlock/Ermergerd-Lock does that dancy thing when he's trying to figure out who the message was for, I was gonna get him to listen to a song to go with the whole thing. I flicked through my iPod and ruled out 'Fancy' by Iggy Azalea and 'Barbra Streisand' by Duck Sauce, but I was thinking about the 'Kim Possible' theme song. I dunno. Just a little extra humour thing that Ermergerd-Lock puts some music in for concentrating. I think I called it his favourite investigation song. I was hoping for something upbeat, sort of jumpy song. I compared Ermergerd-Lock to a crab and I kind of wanted something to play on that. That's why I was thinking of the above songs (Kim Possible, mainly for hilarity)._

_Unfortunately, I'm not really a fan of mainstream music and I don't really listen to that sort of stuff so I'm pretty stumped._

_So, any ideas would be fabulous!_

_Much thank!_

_X_


	4. Chapter 4

Back in Sebastian's office, they looked over the security footage of the office from the time of the break in.

"Sixty seconds apart," Sebastian told them. He flicked back and forth between the still taken at 23:43:01 (the time that the graffiti had appeared) and the still at 23:33:01 (pre-graffiti). "So, someone came up here in the middle of the night, splashed paint around, then left within a minute."

"How many ways into that office?" Ermergerd-Lock asked but Jawn put up his hand.

"Wait, I'm sorry," Jawn said. "Why are there only stills? Like, so much can happen in a minute, people can go from one side of the bank to the other. So, why isn't there a video? Like, I'm sorry, but bitch please, this is ridic!"

Sebastian sighed. "I'm not security. I didn't organise this. Can we just try and figure out what's happened?"

The doctor raised his hands in surrender and frowned. "Well, just a suggestion, then. Get a camera that records. Just, I dunno, tape over it after two weeks. Then we'd have footage of how they got in, a basic description, etc."

"Alright. That's enough, Jawn," Ermergerd-Lock said and rolled his eyes. "Sebastian, ways in. Go."

"Well, that's where this gets really interestin'," Sebastian said before pausing for dramatic effect.

Jawn looked around awkwardly and frowned. "Er, yeah?"

"Wait," Sebastian said before walking out of the office.

Ermergerd-Lock and Jawn exchanged a confused look before following after the banker.

* * *

The BSB were in reception with Sebastian who showed them the layout of the trading floor and the surrounding offices. There were lights and such on it and, I dunno, things.

"Every door that opens in this bank gets logged right here. I mean, _every _door. We're talking every cupboard, every toilet, everything," Sebastian said.

Ermergerd-Lock frowned. "That door didn't open last night."

"No shit, Sherlock," Sebastian mumbled under his voice before crossing his arms. "There's a hole in our security. If you find it, we'll pay you. I'm not talking ten or fifteen bucks. I mean five figures, Ermergerd-Lock." He reached into his jacket's boob pocket and pulled out a cheque. "This is the advance. If you tell us how he got in, there's a bigger one on the way."

"I don't need an advance," Ermergerd-Lock said before flicking his non-existent hair over his shoulder and strutting away.

Jawn froze. "He's kidding, of course. I'll be taking that, thank you very much," Jawn said and held out his hand for the cheque. Sebastian handed over the cheque and Jawn smile. "Thanks, lil bitch!"

He looked down at the cheque as he walked away, trying to run after Ermergerd-Lock. His jaw dropped as he realised how much that advance was. If that was incentive, what was the prize at the end of the rainbow?

* * *

Ermergerd-Lock returned to the shrine office and started to take photos on his phone. He even jumped in and took a selfie with the gratified portrait.

After taking sufficient selfies and photos of the scene of the crime, he looked around the room, trying to identify different exit points. To his right is a big ass window with a fab view. He pulled the blinds back and found a door to a small balcony. He opened it and walked out, the winds of London hitting him, causing his hair to fly about magnificently. He looked down to reveal a large drop of a few hundred billion feet or so. IDK. Ermergerd-Lock wondered why there was no ledging…

He dismissed the idea and walked out of the office before putting in his earbuds and taking off his coat. Ermergerd-Lock put on his favourite investigating song (the Kim Possible theme song. It helps him think) and started his investigation.

Ermergerd-Lock started to scuttle about the trading floor like a crab. He kept his eyes on Sir William's office. He ducked sideways and scuttled across the room, to the bemusement of various traders. He'd pop down behind desks and pop up again, mimicking a meerkat. Ermergerd-Lock made a few Zoidberg noises while he scuttled. At one stage, he stood up and did a bit of an Irish dance around poles and columns. Before stopping and backing towards an office door on the other side of the floor He continued to back into the room and turned around to face it. He walked behind the desk and behind the spinny chair. Despite his desire to spin about, Ermergerd-Lock looked over at Sir William Shat's office and gasped a very false gasp. This was the only office in the entire floor that had a clear and direct view of the graffiti.

He walked out of the room and looked at the door. There were two signs on it: "Hong Kong Desk Head" and "Edward Van Cullen", a very unfortunate name. Ermergerd-Lock removed the name from the door and walked away, as if nothing had happened.

* * *

A little while later, Ermergerd-Lock and Jawn were standing on the escalators.

"Two trips around the world this month. You didn't ask his secretary, I was with you. You said that just to irritate him. Right?" Jawn asked. Instead of replying, Ermergerd-Lock smiled. "How did you know?"

"Did you see his watch?" Ermergerd-Lock asked.

Jawn frowned and shook his head. "His watch?"

"The time was right but the date was wrong. It said two days ago. That means he crossed the dateline twice but didn't alter it, for whatever reason."

"Within a month?" Jawn asked. "How'd you get that part?"

"I have a thing for watches. I suppose you could say I always watch out for watches," Ermergerd-Lock smiled and looked at Jawn who frowned and shook his head a little. Ermergerd-Lock's face fell and he sighed. "New Breitling. It only came out this February."

"Oh. Okay. So d'you think we should sniff around here for a bit longer? I mean, I didn't really get to hit on very many people, and that kind of pisses me off. I am a womaniser, womaniser, and I should probably continue what I've got going," Jawn said.

"Actually, I have everything I need to know."

Jawn's face fell. Oh well. "Hmm? What do you know then?"

"That graffiti was a message for someone at the bank working on the trading floors. We find the intended recipient and-"

"They'll lead us to the person who sent it," Jawn said with a smile. That was one of the few times he'd ever caught up to Ermergerd-Lock, and so fast too! YAY!

But Ermergerd-Lock sent him a pointed look. "Excuse me?"

"I said 'they'll lead us to the person who sent it'," he reiterated.

Ermergerd-Lock scoffed. "You cut me off. I was explaining and you cut me off. For Christ's sake, Jawn! Do you want to be the detective now? I'll be the doctor and you can be the detective. Who was the message for? Why yellow paint? What was the message? Hmm, Jawn? Hmm?!"

The doctor gulped and fear took over his face. "I-I.- sorry, Ermergerd-Lock. I won't do it again unless prompted." Jawn paused and frowned. "B-but, was I right?"

"Quite."

"You said the message was for someone but there's at least three hundred people up there. Who was it meant for?"

"Pillars," Ermergerd-Lock replied, rather cryptically like the lil bitch he is.

"Exqueeze me?"

Ermergerd-Lock sighed as though it was blatantly obvious. "Pillars and screens. There are very few places that you can see the graffiti from. And the message was left at eleven thirty four last night. That tells us such."

"Such what? What does it tell us?"

"Traders come and work at all hours," he continued as they walked through the revolving door and out the street. "Some trade with Hong Kong in the middle of the night. That message was intended for someone who comes in at midnight." He held up the name card and pressed it against Jawn's nose. The doctor tried to squirm away but Ermergerd-Lock was persist. "Very few Van Culllens in the phonebook."

"Wait. Isn't that the name of a sparkling vampire?" Jawn asked, frowning and following Ermergerd-Lock down the street.

"Must be a fanboy. This is going to be… an interesting conversation with him." Ermergerd-Lock hailed a cab and shrugged at Jawn. "Some people take fanning to the max. I wish I had a fandom," he muttered before climbing into the cab.

"Ermergerd-Lock! Long time, no see!" the cabbie said and the detective smiled.

"I know. How's the wife?"

"Excellent. You should come 'round for tea someday. The kids miss you."

Ermergerd-Lock smiled. "Yes, I'll try my best. I've been rather busy lately but I'll make an exception for my favourite cabbie."

* * *

**A/N: **_hey you beautiful reader, you!_

_So, I _highly _recommend that you mute your tv, put on 'Call Me, Beep Me' (the Kim Possible theme) and watch as Sherlock does his dancy thing around the bank. I was rolling on the ground laughing, and I rarely do that._

_When I went through my iPod to see if there were any other good songs, I tried 'Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?' and that matched pretty well. I think I tried 'Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)'... I don't even know what else. But Kim Possible was definitely my favourite._

_A big thank you to the fabulous _Potter4life01 who reassured me that this was a good idea :)

X


	5. Chapter 5

After Jawn had to sit though the weird cab trip, they ended up outside a block of flats. Ermergerd-Lock waved off the taxi, happy to have been given a free trip, and walked up to the door buzzers. He looked at them and found the one he needed.

He pressed the buzzer marked 'Van Cullen' and frowned. After a few mores seconds, Ermergerd-Lock pressed the button again with no response.

"So, what now? Do we sit and wait?" Jawn asked.

Ermergerd-Lock ignored the doctor and looked at all the buzzers. He then moved to look at the front of the flats and smiled. He'd figured out the general layout and figured out a way in.

"Just moved in," he muttered.

Jawn frowned. "What?"

"The one above," Ermergerd-Lock explained, "just moved in. The label's new."

He pointed to another buzzer with 'Wintle' written on it.

"They could've replaced it," Jawn suggested.

Ermergerd-Lock appeared to ignore Jawn and pressed the buzzer. "Who the fuck does that?"

"Hullo?" a female voice on the intercom said.

Ermergerd-Lock looked into the camera in the wall just above the buzzers and smiled, trying to act like a normal human being. Jawn was to the side and was not in view.

"Hi! Um, I live in the flat below you. I-I don't think we've met," he said with a smile.

"No, well, uh, I've just moved in."

Ermergerd-Lock threw a quick 'told-you-bitch' look at Jawn before beaming back into the camera.

"Actually, I've just locked my keys in my flat." He grimaced and bit his lip.

There was a small pause before "d'you want me to buzz you in?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. And could I use your balcony?"

"What?"

* * *

After some flirting, Ermergerd-Lock was on Ms Wintle's balcony. He looked over at the ground. He proceeded climbed over the edge of the balcony and did some chin ups before jumping onto the balcony below.

"Thank fuck that worked," he muttered before walking to the balcony door.

It was unlocked, to Ermergerd-Lock's joy. He opened it up to see a very decorated flat of a wealthy man. The furniture was white leather, shiny black tables, and minimal clutter. Van Cullen kept his things pretty. Unfortunately, there was also jars of glitter along the mantel piece and cardboard cut-outs of the cast of 'Twilight'.

Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes and opens the fridge. There was nothing in there except bottles of champagne.

As he started to move about, the buzzer buzzed.

"Ermergerd-Lock," Jawn said. "Ermergerd-Lock, are you okay?"

The detective moved into the hall and opened a small door. Inside was a bathroom with various hair products on the shelf, as well as body glitter and some nice hand soap. He closed the door with a sigh and went to open the large door at the end of the hall. Ermergerd-Lock twisted the handle to find it was locked.

"Yeah, any time you free like letting me in," Jawn said, still outside.

Ermergerd-Lock turned side on and shoulder charged at the door. With a 'umpf', he burst through the door and landed on the ground.

He stood up and ran his hands over his clothes, just to make sure he still looked perf. He looked around the room and saw a man lying fully clothed on his bed on his back. He had his coat on as if he just arrived home. There was a pistol on the floor and a bullet hole in the man's right temple.

* * *

The police arrived a while after being called. Jawn managed to get in as well and was standing by Ermergerd-Lock. A photographer was snapping shots of the vic. A forensic officer was dusting fingerprints off a nearby mirror. Actually, people were just walking around, trying to get prints on everything. Ermergerd-Lock took off his coat and started to pull on some latex gloves, standing beside the bed, looking down at the vic.

"Maybe he lost a lot of money? I mean, suicide is pretty common among bankers," Jawn said, looking up at Ermergerd-Lock.

"It wasn't suicide," the detective said with a chuckle.

"Bullshit," Jawn started. "The door was locked from the inside. You had to climb down the balcony! Like, bitch please, it's a reasonable thought."

Ermergerd-Lock ignored him and bent down to look at a suitcase by the bed. The flipped the cover and sighed. "Been away three days, judging by the laundry. Look at the case. There was something tightly packed inside it," Ermergerd-Lock said before looking up at Jawn.

"Great. I'll take your word for it."

The detective frowned. "Problem, lil bitch?"

"Uh, yeah! Unlike you, I don't have a dirty clothes fetish," Jawn all but spat.

"Exqueeze me?"

Jawn sighed. "You heard me. I mean, you went through Jennifer Wilson's case when we first met, and here you are, rummaging through Edward Van Cullen's suitcase. I'm not desperate to go through some bloke's dirty undies."

"I don't have a dirty clothes' fetish." Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes before walking to the foot of the bed. "Now, dirty laundry asided, we need to think about the graffiti at the bank. It was put in a dead man's office, over the dead man's portraits eyes and in the right place as to be seen by Van Cullen. Why was that graffiti at the bank put there?"

"Maybe it's some kind of a code?" Jawn suggested.

Ermergerd-Lock nodded. "Obliviously." He carefully opened Van Cullen's jacket and looked inside his pockets. "Why were they painted? If you wanted to communicate, why not e-mail?"

"¿Por qué no los dos?" Jawn asked.

Before Ermergerd-Lock could say 'Quidditch', the forensics team had grabbed Jawn and hoisted him over their shoulders while Mexican music started to play.

"For fuck's sake!" Ermergerd-Lock barked, stopping everyone in their tracks. "We have a fucking case to solve! Everyone get back to doing what you're paid to do!"

Jawn was put down and the forensics muttered apologies before walking to their previous places.

"Sorry, Ermergerd-Lock," Jawn said and stood by his friend.

The detective rolled his eyes. "Now, why did they resort to painting?"

"Maybe he wasn't answering?"

"Well done. You follow."

"Uh, no, not really."

Ermergerd-Lock sighed before looking at Van Cullen's legs and hands. "What kind of message would everyone try to avoid?"

"I dunno."

"What about this morning? You were looking at those letters."

Jawn frowned. "Yeah, P, Q, and R. Other than the letters, I got a bill."

As Jawn replied, Ermergerd-Lock opened Van Cullen's mouth a bit and pulled out a small black flower from inside.

"He was being threatened," Ermergerd-Lock said and put the flower in an evidence bag.

"Not by the gas company, I bet."

A twelve year old boy walked in and looked about the room, crossing his arms as he did so. Ermergerd-Lock looked over at him and smiled.

"Hullo, little boy. Can you take this evidence to you parent?" Ermergerd-Lock asked, holding out the evidence bag. "Tell them Ermergerd-Lock told you to give it to them."

"Yeah, I know who you are and I'd prefer it if you didn't tamper with any of the evidence," the boy said.

"Whose you parent?" Ermergerd-Lock asked taking a small step back.

The boy rolled his eyes. "Actually, I'm a police officer. Detective Inspector Dimmock. Lestrade's busy so I'm in charge."

"Cute. Now, go give the evidence to your parent," Ermergerd-Lock said, frowning at the kid.

DI Dimmock pulled his DI badge and smirked at Ermergerd-Lock. "Now, we're obviously looking at a suicide."

Jawn frowned at the fact a twelve year old could be a Detective Inspector. "That does seem the only explanation of all the facts," he said.

But Ermergerd-Lock sighed and took off his gloves. "Wrong. It is one possible explanation of some of the facts," he replied before turning to Dimmock. "You've got a solution that you like, but you're choosing to ignore anything that doesn't comply with it."

"Like what?" Dimmock asked.

"The wound was on the right side of his head."

Dimmock shrugged, shaking his head a little. "And?"

"Van Cullen was left-handed. Requires quite a bit of contortion to shoot himself in the right side," he explained before demonstrating the difficulty.

"Left-handed?" both Dimmock and Jawn asked at the same time.

Jawn scrunched up his nose. Lefties are gross.

"Obliviously." They walked into the lounge room and Ermergerd-Lock pointed over at the coffee table. "Coffee table on the left-hand side, coffee mug handle pointing to the left, the power sockets are empty on the right hand side, and the pen and paper are on the left hand side of the phone so he can answer with his right hand and take down messages with his left. Do you need more evidence, bitch?"

"No thanks. You've got most of it," Jawn said.

"Oh, I might as well," Ermergerd-Lock said with a small smile, "I'm almost at the bottom of the list. There's a knife on the breadboard with butter on the right side of the blade because he used it with his left." He looked over at Dimmock. "It's very unlikely that a left-handed person would shoot himself in the right side of his head. Finish your English homework," Ermergerd-Lock spat.

"So, someone broke in and murdered him?" Jawn asked.

"Only explanation of all the facts," Ermergerd-Lock said with a pointed look at Dimmock.

"B-but the gun…" Dimmock tried, weakly.

"He was waiting for the killer. He'd been threatened. Now, you're maths homework won't do itself," Ermergerd-Lock said while putting on his gloves, coat and scarf.

"Wait, what?"

Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes. "Your basic algebra needs to be completed. Off you pop."

"No, the threat."

"Today at the bank," Jawn said. "Sort of a warning."

"Shots were fired. There were two in total, one from his gun that went straight out the window, and one in his head. If you look at the bullet in his brain, you'll find that it wasn't from his gun. But, there is residue on his hands," Ermergerd-Lock told him before snapping his fingers.

"But everything was locked. How'd the killer get in?" Dimmock asked with a frown.

"Well done! You're finally asking the right questions," Ermergerd-Lock said in a condescending manner. "Finish your science homework. I expect it's due tomorrow."

Jawn gave Dimmock an apologetic look and walked out after Ermergerd-Lock.

"It's due Wednesday," Dimmock called out.

* * *

**A/N: **_hey, darling reader!_

_My most sincere apologies for dropping off the radar for a bit, especially after I said I'd post once or twice a day! I haven't been working on this much, I'm afraid. I've been rather busy with my novella._

_Nonetheless, I just had a read over this and died laughing at the _¿Por qué no los dos? _situation. I had totally forgotten I had added it in and then read over it. Such hilarity!_

_I was watching this episode again and made some notes for things to remember and things I want to make note on. I've got about two or three pages of things, so I'm excited! I know I said that this wasn't going to be very funny, but I'm going to retract that as I can imagine this will get rather humorous, if Kim Possible and Por que no los dos? hasn't convinced you. But then again, if that hasn't convinced you, I'm not sure this story is for you._

_On that note, I'm going to leave you there. Hopefully I won't be gone as long as I was since last part. But then again, Kim Kardashian's app has really been taking up some of my time. I named my character Boris because I couldn't think of a name... needless to say, everyone's calling me Boris while I walk around in a fab red dress. I actually regret nothing, except downloading the app._

_Alright, I'll stop rambling. Have a nice day!_

_X_


	6. Chapter 6

"So he said," a laughing Sebastian Yikes said over lunch with some clients, "'you better find a way to cut your hair with a fork!'"

Ermegerd-Lock walked over to the table and took some food from one of the man's plates. "The graffiti was a threat," he said while chewing.

"I'm kind of in a meeting. Can you make an appointment with my secretary?" Sebastian asked, brandishing a spoon.

"I don't think this can wait. Sorry, Sebastian," Ermergerd-Lock said, looking at the food they had. "One of your traders was killed."

"Shit, bro! Who?"

"Van Cullen. The police are there at the moment. Not going to lie, he lives a creepy private life."

Sebastian gasped. "Killed?!"

"Sorry to interfere with everyone's digestion," Ermergerd-Lock said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Still wanna make an appointment, Sebastian? How 'bout nine at Scotland Yard?"

* * *

Sebastian and the BSB stood at the taps in the bathrooms. Jawn grimaced as Sebastian started to wash his hands.

"Harrow; Oxford. Very bright guy. Working in Asia for a bit too, so…" Sebastian said with a smile.

"So you gave him the Hong Kong accounts," Jawn said.

"Yes sir," Sebastian said. "We lost five mill in a single morning but we made it all back a week later. He had nerves of steel, that Eddie."

Jawn sighed. "Who'd wanna kill him, though? Team Jacob fan?" He smirked over at Ermergerd-Lock who was fixated on fixing his hair.

"We all make enemies," Sebastian shrugged with a smile.

"I'm not surprised. You're consulting a private detective and his mate in the bathroom after you pulled your junk out," Jawn muttered to himself before shaking his head. "We all make enemies, but we don't all end up with a bullet through our temple."

Sebastian's phone trilled and he looked at it. "S'pose. But, I just got a text from my Chairman. The police have been on to him and they reckon it's a suicide."

"Well, I'm afraid they've got it wrong, Sebastian," Ermergerd-Lock told him, "because he was murdered."

"Well, I'm afraid they don't see it like that and neither does my boss. I hired you to do a job. Don't get side-tracked."

He walked away and Jawn looked at Ermergerd-Lock.

"What a lil bitch."

Ermergerd-Lock nodded in agreement. "Such a lil bitch."

* * *

An obese man ran down the streets, sweat dripping down his bald head and staining his shirt. His fat rolls jumped up and down, slapping against his body as he went. His manboobs juggled as he ran, crying out for a supportive sports bra. Now, I would have congratulated the bro, proud of him for deciding to improve his health (I don't exercise, but I can understand that it is apparently good for you). I _would _have congratulated him if it wasn't for the fact he was in formal wear and had a book in his hand. Oh, and he was screaming, his face contorted, showing his fear as he sprinted down the street.

He reached the front door and whimpered, fumbling for his door keys from his pocket. He let a small smile slip onto his lips as he got in, slamming and locking the door behind him. He ran up the stairs and threw the books on the staircase, with many others, as he went. He stood in the living room and looked around. His face fell as he realised he was safe. It wasn't until he turned to the kitchen to make a quick pizza that his face of terror resumed. Something was there and it scared the fuck out of the bro.

* * *

The next day at the National Antiques Museum, the place Soo Long Lmao worked, the museum's director walked over to Andy who was sitting at a table, cleaning an ancient pot.

"Yo, bitch! I need ya to get Crispasians." She showed Andy a catalogue. "Two Ming vases up for auction- Chihuahua. Will you check 'em out?"

"Er, well, er, um, er, Soo Long should probably go. She's the expert," he stammered.

"Actually," the director said, "Soo Long resigned. It's your time to go now, bitch."

She strutted away from Andy who turned and looked over at Soo Long's table behind him. How did he not notice she didn't get to work that morning? Oh, because he woke up late and had to rush, leaving no time to check up on her. And he live streamed, he wasn't able to watch over it tonight. He frowned and looked back at his work.

* * *

A little while later, he was standing outside her front door. Yes, he had followed her home on more than one occasion and knew pretty darn well which place was hers and how her flat looked. After all, he did have cameras in there. He ran his finger of her handwritten name tag by her doorbell. She had written her name, Soo Long Lmao, with little smiley faces in the 'o's. Andy pressed the doorbell and took a few steps back to look at her window.

"Come on, Soo Long," he muttered before stepping back to the door and taking out an envelope and pen.

He scribbled down a note on the envelope and pushed it through the letterbox before walking away. Andy had to go back to work and didn't have time to watch the cameras set up in her house.

In her office, Doctor Sarah SawYa read Jawn's resume. She looked up at Jawn and frowned a little.

"Work here is pretty mundane," she told him, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Yeah, I don't really mind."

She leaned forward a bit. "You're very over-qualified."

"Yeah, I'm broke."

"Well," she said, looking back at the short resume that mainly consisted of 'Army doctor' and 'waiter', "we've just had two go on holiday and one just left to have a baby. Might be a bit boring, ya know, coming from war…"

"Boring is fab."

"So, a soldier doctor. Anything else you can do?" she asked leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

"I don't know if you saw, but I did some modelling when I came back from Afghanistan and after that, I entered a few eating contests," he replied.

"Yes, I did read that. I think you could fit in well here. One of the doctors is really into models," she told him with a wink.

Jawn laughed as Sarah smiled. As much as he'd love to try and flirt with her, he decided probably best not to get in a relationship with his boss. But hey, no guarantees.

* * *

**A/N: **_Hey darling reader!_

_My most sincere apologies for not writing more and stuff. I don't really have any excuses except, I dunno, holidays and laziness. Who are we kidding, I'm always lazy! Haha!_

_Anywho, jokes aside, I'm gonna do my best to write this, but I've been having some other ideas for non-fan fiction writing and I'm trying to work on that._

_Alright. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll see ya when I see ya ;)_

_X_


	7. Chapter 7

Jawn walked back into 221B to find Ermergerd-Lock had printed out the photographs of the graffiti from the bank and stuck them by the mirror that hung above the fireplace. The detective stood in the middle of the room, his back to the mirror. Every few seconds, he spun around and looked at the pictures before spinning back again. He thought of various languages and codes as he remembered the symbols and shot various ideas.

"I said 'pass me a pen, bitch'," Ermergerd-Lock spat as Jawn sank into his armchair.

The doctor looked over his shoulder and around the flat as though looking for someone else. "Me? When?"

"About an hour ago. Keep up, lil bitch!"

Jawn sighed and stood up, looking for a pen. "Didn't notice I'd gone out, I s'pose?"

"Really?" Ermergerd-Lock asked, walking up to the pictures. He steepled his fingers under his chin.

"Yeah," Jawn said, throwing a pen at the detective.

Ermergerd-Lock grabbed it with his left hand, not even looking. He turned around and beamed at Jawn. "Did you see that? I'm a God! Why is no-one acknowledging my new status?"

"Because you caught it with your bloody left hand," Jawn muttered to himself before clearing his throat. "I had a job interview at the surgery."

"How was it?"

"Great. It's fab. Might get laid."

Ermergerd-Lock shot a confused and mildly scared look at Jawn before blinking the look away. He shook his head while walking to the dining table. He picked up the laptop and passed it over to Jawn.

"Check it."

The doctor frowned and looked at Ermergerd-Lock and sat in a chair. "What?"

On the laptop was a story from 'Online News'. A picture beside the headline was of that obese man we talked about a little bit ago. The headline on the webpage was "Ghostly killer leaves a mystery for police" which is a pretty shit headline, given it was a murder. The headline makes it seem innocent when it clearly wasn't. A better headline would be "Obese man murdered in locked flat bringing mystery to police" or something. Like, 'Ghostly killer' implies that it's a ghost and it's a bit of a silly matter. This isn't a laughing matter, a bro was killed, no matter how ghostly the killer is.

Anyway, the article basically said "a bro who can walk through walls murdered a bro in his London flat last night. Brian LuckLess, 41 2/4, a journalist from Earl's Court was found shot on his fourth floor flat. All the doors and windows were locked with no signs of a break in. Police are stumped."

"The intruder who can walk through walls."

"Yarp. And ya know who _else _died in a similar situation? Doors locked, windows bolted from the inside?"

Jawn and Ermergerd-Lock locked eyes. "Van Cullen," they said at the same time before giggling at how in sync they were. They were so in sync that Jawn wondered if their menstrual cycles had coordinated.

In fact, Ermergerd-Lock felt so in sync that he started to sing. "We're like long lost brother who've found each other..."

He paused, waiting for Jawn to continue the line.

"We don't have time to sing StarKid songs, Ermergerd-Lock. This is pretty serious and we can't just sing a song from a Batman parody. Besides, I'd be Batman, you'd be Robin."

The detective looked appalled at Jawn's words. "Bitch please, I am _so _Batman! You don't even know my real name or my real identity. You're totes my sidekick."

"Aww hell naw! Jawn H. Wats-Off is no-one's sidekick! How _dare _you?!"

Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes. "Let's not argue about this. We have more important things to worry about."

"More important than who's Batman and who's Robin?" Jawn scoffed. "Unlikely."

"We just had another murder that resembled Van Cullen."

Jawn frowned. "Wait, are you thinking…"

* * *

Detective Inspector Dimmock was finishing his English homework when Ermergerd-Lock and Jawn stalked into his office in New Scotland Yard.

"Brian LuckLess, freelance journo, murdered in his flat, doors locked from the inside," Ermergerd-Lock spat as he placed the laptop down on top of Dimmock's homework, showing the de of the desk and types onto a laptop.

"You gotta admit, it's similar." Dimmock scowled at the computer as Jawn continued. "Both men killed by a bro who can, well, walk through solid walls."

Ermergerd-Lock put a hand on his hip. "Inspector, do you really believe Edward Van Cullen was just another city suicide? Like, _really?" _When DImmock just squirmed, not meeting Ermergerd-Lock's eyes, he continued, exapsterated. "You have seen the ballistics report, I suppose?"

"Yeah…" Dimmock nodded.

"And the shot that killed Van Cullen, was it fired from his own gun?"

Dimmock begun to tear up. He didn't like it when he was wrong. He was reluctant with his reply. "N-no."

"No. So this investigation would go swimmingly if you stopped being a lil bitch and accepted my word as gospel," Ermergerd-Lock said with a large sigh. "Now, I just handed you a murder enquiry and I want five minutes in his flat."

Detective Inspector Dimmock nodded and watched as Ermergerd-Lock and Jawn started to walk out.

"Wait!" he called, stopping the BSB in their tracks. "Can you guys help me with my English homework? I have to write an essay on _A Midsummer's Night Dream_," he told them.

Jawn and Ermergerd-Lock gave him a pointed look before walking out.

"Such a lil bitch," Ermergerd-Lock muttered.

* * *

At LuckLess's flat, Ermergerd-Lock ducked under the police tape at the bottom of the stairs inside the front door. We remember this is the staircase that the obese fat man, later revealed as Brian LuckLess, ran up, throwing a book as he went.

Dimmock and Jawn were right on Ermergerd-Lock's trail. The protagonist was looking at everything that he walked past. He walked into the living room to see an open, empty suitcase. Van Cullen also had a suitcase… and a dirty clothes fetish. Anyway, nearby on the carpet is another flower like the one in Van Cullen's mouth!

"Well, fuck me hard," Jawn muttered, "I've seen _this _before!"

There were a shit load of books on the table and floor, scattered left, right and centre. There were several newspapers left lying open on the floor. Ermergerd-Lock walked over to the kitchen at looked through the windows.

"Four stories up," Ermergerd-Lock said with a smirk. "That's why they thought they were safe, they were off the floor. They put a chain across the door and bolt it shut, thinking they're impregnable."

Dimmock cleared his throat. "Er, what does 'impregnable' mean?"

Ignoring Dimmock, Ermergerd-Lock walked to the middle of the lounge room and looked around again.

"They don't reckon for a second that there's another way in."

He walked towards the stairs and sees a skylight above the landing.

"I don't understand," Dimmock said.

"I'm not surprised. You're dealing with a killer who can climb." Ermergerd-Lock looked around for something to climb on to get up closer to the skylight.

Dimmock and Jawn frowned but the latter didn't question it.

"What are you doing?"

"I think he's an insect, or somthin'." He managed to unhook the latch and pushed the window upwards. "That's how he got in."

Dimmock looked scared. "Whaat?!"

"The bro climbed up the side of the walls, ran along the roof and came down through this skylight."

"Like Spiderman?" DImmock scoffed.

Ermergerd-Lock sighed. "He scaled six floors of a Docklands apartment, jumped the balcony and killed Van Cullen." He looked over at Jawn. "Like how I got in, minus the flirting, I s'pose."

With a laugh of disbelief, DImmock shook his head. "Hold your horses."

"And, naturally, that's how he got into the bank. He ran along the window ledge and onto the terrace. He didn't have to open any alarmed doors because the balcony isn't alarmed." He jumped off the whatever and looked around again. "So, we gotta figure out what connects these two bros, Van Cullen, a fangirl, and LuckLess, a casual journo."

He looked over at the shit load of books and found one that sat at the top of the mess, looking in the best condition. It was borrowed from the West Kensington Library and Ermergerd-Lock smiled before beginning to walk out.

"Ermergerd-Lock, where are we going?" Jawn called.

The detective turned around to look at the doctor who was rushing down the stairs. "The public library," he said in his best Batman voice.

"For Christ's sake," Jawn said. "I'm batman," he said with his best Batman voice.

"No, I'm Batman," Ermergerd-Lock said.

Jawn rolled his eyes. "I'm Batman."

The Batman contest continued all the way to the library.

* * *

**A/N: **_hey there, darling reader!_

_I'm dreadfully sorry that I haven't updated for so long! I have no reasons as to why, I'm just oh so lazy. But I've gotten rather a lot stashed away and I'll be updating at more regular intervals, hopefully. Unfortunately for all involved, FFN is blocked on my school wifi (which is totally bogus) and as such, I only update when at home. Sigh._

_Well, I guess I'll leave you now._

_Thanks for reading!_

_X_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey darlings,**

**Whoopsie dasies! It seems I totally forgot to update for so long! I don't have any reason as to why...**

**Anyway, I have a few ready to go, so I think I'll post what it already saved on FFN so that you can read it, as my form of apology for being a terrible person.**

* * *

"She's legit in the middle of an important piece of restoration. Why would she suddenly resign? None of my research shows any reason," Andy said to the museum's Director.

"She said it was family problems. That's what she worte in her letter," she argued back.

"Soo Long Lmao doesn't have any family. She came here on her own."

The director frowned at Andy. "Please, Andy-"

"Look at those teapots, they're her obsessions. She's been working on them for weeks. Everything I know about her says that she wouldn't just abandon them."

"Maybe," the director spat, "she was getting a bit of unwanted, unprovoked attention. I think you need to stop being so damn creepy and let Soo Long do as she pleases."

She turned around and shook her head at Andy's creepiness before walking out. Andy turned around to see his colleagues giving him furious glares before turning back to their work.

* * *

Ermergerd-Lock stood in front of the fireplace again. The wall above the mantel piece was covered in pictures and several attempts at ciphers and stuff. He was looking into a book and sighed before Jawn stormed up the stairs. He slammed the kitchen door close as he walked into the lounge room.

Now, Ermergerd-Lock wasn't very good at understanding people in moods, but he _did _know that Jawn had gone out of his way to slam the door. The bro was _pissed!_

"You've been a while," Ermergerd-Lock said as he turned the page.

Jawn stomped into the room a little more before Ermergerd-Lock turned around to look at was tense. His shoulders were ridged, his fists clenched, and his jaw was clenched. He started to pace, managing to control his anger, a feat Ermergerd-Lock was proud of, considering how angry Jawn was. Ermergerd-Lock turned back to the book and turned the page again.

"Well, I'm sure you know how custody sergeants are. They don't like to be hurried, do they?" he asked. He was forcing a small smile but his grimace was all but present on his face. "Just the usual formalities. Fingerprints, charge sheets, and, to top it off, I've got to be in Magistrates Court on Tuesday."

Ermergerd-Lock frowned, nose still in his book. "Apologies, I didn't catch a single word. What's going on? Why were you late?"

"Me, Ermergerd-Lock, in court on Tuesday. They're givin' me an ASBO!" Jawn screamed before beginning to tug on his hair in frustration.

"That sounds fun," he muttered.

"You can tell your _pal _that he's more than welcome to go and own up at any time. It'd be _great_."

Ermergerd-Lock slammed his book shut. "I can't even with these symbols. Where the frick frack paddy wack did they come from? _What are these symbols?!"_

"Have fun," Jawn muttered as he pulled the jacket off his shoulder.

After shaking his head, Ermergerd-Lock grabbed the collar and pulled it back up. "Yeah, well, I need you to go to the police station."

"Hang on a diddly darn second!" Jawn exclaimed as Ermergerd-Lock steered him towards the door.

"You've gotta ask about the journo."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Jawn said, exasperated.

Ermergerd-Lock grabbed his own coat from the pack of the door. "His crap will have been impounded. I need you to get his diary or something that'll tell us what he did."

The BSB walked downstairs and out onto the street.

"What are you doing?" Jawn asked as he looked around the street.

Ermergerd-Lock smiled. "I, being the Batman of us, will go and talk to Van Cullen's PA and trace his steps. Both Van Cullen and LuckLess must cross paths at some stage."

The detective walked off one way and Jawn frowned. Now what? A taxi approached and Jawn managed to hail it like he hails Hydra.

He leaned into the driver's window and smiled, missing the Asian lady dressed in Hello Kitty merch with a camera pointed at him.

"Scotland Yard, pls."

"Sorry?" the driver asked, frowning at Jawn.

"I said 'Scotland Yard, pls'," Jawn replied.

The driver cocked his head to the left. "You mean New Scotland Yard?"

Jawn put his hands up as if to say 'I don't see the point' and shook his head a little. "Yeah, I suppose."

"Well," the driver said, "you should probably say the right name or people will get confused."

"Does it really matter?" Jawn asked.

"Look, Jawn," the driver all but spat, "I read your blog and I know for a fact that you're a Word Nerd."

"You read my blog?" Jawn asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

The driver shrugged. "Sure. I know for a fact you fought in Afghanistand, not Iraqu. I also know for a fact you, being the Word Nerd you are, hate that Ermergerd-Lock Better-Homes calls Iraq that. So, I'll take you to _New _Scotland Yard, if you'd like."

Feeling too embarrassed to leave, mainly because the bro knows who he is and probably where he lives, Jawn got in the cab and let the cabbie take him to _New _Scotland Yard.

* * *

Meanwhile, and when I say meanwhile, I really mean 'a little while later', Ermergerd-Lock stood by Amanda, the personal assistant of Van Cullen. They were looking at an online calendar that Amanda had open "for always", as she had said to Ermergerd-Lock.

"So, like, he flew back from Dalian on Friday and had back-to-back meetings for, like, two days after," she said, swinging a hand about.

"Can you print me a copy?"

She nodded. "Totes."

Ermergerd-Lock looked at the box of Band-Aids (aka 'plasters') sitting on her desk. She clicked print and the detective looked at her. "Are you a clumsy person, then? Causing injuries?" he asked.

"Yeah. #Awks. But Edward didn't mind," she said before retrieving the paper. "Woops," she said as she picked it up, "paper cut."

"What about the day he died? What did he have planned?" Ermergerd-Lock asked, ignoring her incompetence.

"Yeah, um, it seems there's a gap? He didn't have anything on," she said, grabbing a Band-Aid from the box.

Ermergerd-Lock scrunched up his nose. "Gross," he muttered, thinking back on that suitcase filled with clothes. Ermergerd-Lock mentally condoned Jawn for his lack of desire to look at Van Cullen's stuff. So unhygienic.

"But," Amanda broke him out of his thoughts, "I do have all his receipts. He, like, makes sure I have everything, for tax reasons."


	9. Chapter 9

Detective Inspector Dimmock sat at a desk and went through a box containing Brain LuckLess's crap. Jawn stood by his side and looked down at the box.

"So, your friend…" Dimmock said as he rummaged.

"Whatever you say, I agree," Jawn replied and smile.

"…he's a fugly, shitty, twat."

Jawn froze. "I'm sorry, how old are you?"

"Twelve," Dimmock said and looked up at Jawn.

The doctor nodded. "Right. Well, yes, of course you'd say that. I don't think he usually gets such a vulgar, crude remark as that, but yeah, I agree."

Dimmock smiled before handing Jawn a diary. "That's what you're after, right?"

Jawn opened it and flicked through. There were pages bookmarked with a boarding pass from recently.

* * *

As Jawn thought about how the best insults and swears a twelve year old had was just a string of swears, Amanda and Ermergerd-Lock had spread Van Cullen's receipts across the desk.

"What kind of boss was he, Amanda? Was he a boss ass bitch?" Ermergerd-Lock asked.

Amanda shrugged. "Not the words I'd use."

"Hmm," Ermergerd-Lock muttered before frowning at her. "Was he… appreciative?"

"Not really. The only thing Edward appreciated was glitter and a big price tag."

"Like that hand cream? Did he buy it for you?" Ermergerd-Lock looked at the bottle of hand lotion at the back of her desk.

Amanda nervously fiddled with a pin in her hair and looked up at Ermergerd-Lock with surprise. "How did you know?" she asked.

He ignored her and shuffled through the papers before picking up a receipt from a taxi. It was from the 22nd of March, 2010 and timed at 10:35. Ermergerd-Lock handed it to Amanda.

"Taxi from home on the day he died for eighteen pounds fifty. Da fuq?"

Amanda nodded. "That'd get him to the office."

"Not rush hour. Look at the time, it was mid-morning. Eighteen would get him as far as-"

"The West End," she interrupted. "I remember him saying."

Ermergerd-Lock resisted the urge to lecture her on interrupting. So, he took another ticket, one from the Underground, and handed it to Amanda. "Printed at one in Piccadilly."

"So he got a Tube back to the office. Why would he get a taxi into town and then the Tube back?" Amanda asked.

Ermergerd-Lock smirked. "Because he was delivering something heavy and didn't want to lug a package up the escalator. You dig?" he asked while ruffling through the recipets.

"D-delivering?" she asked.

"Near Piccadilly Station. He dropped the package, delivered it, and then…" he picked up another receipt. "He got peckish for Italiano."

* * *

Ermergerd-Lock found the Italian place.

"So," he muttered to himself, attracting attention, "you brought your lunch here from the station but were where you going? Where did the taxi drop you off?" As he walked, he bumped into someone. "Watch where you're walking, mate," Ermergerd-Lock spat before looking at the person. "Jawn?"

Jawn looked up from LuckLess's diary. "Sup, slut?" he asked with a smile.

"Eddie Van Cullen brought a package here the day he died. I've pieced together an idea using various information that says he flew back from China then came here… well, somewhere on this street but I dunno where…"

"Right there," Jawn said, pointing at a shop across the street.

Ermergerd-Lock frowned. "How do you know?"

"Because," Jawn replied, "LuckLess was there too. He wrote down the address. Ergo, using my great skills and the fact you didn't know where, I'm Batman."

"Fuck off," Ermergerd-Lock muttered before walking across the street, ignoring the cars that swerved to avoid hitting him and ended up hitting each other.

* * *

The BSB walked into a touristy shop which consisted mainly of them Chinese fortune cats that wave with their cute little paws.

"Hullo," Jawn said as they entered the shop.

"You buy cat," the shop keeper said, lifting a cat from the desk.

Jawn looked up at the elderly Chinese woman. Ermergerd-Lock ignored and continued to walk about the shop, looking at the crap on sale.

"Uh, no. Thanks, I'm fine."

"Ten pound," she assured. "Ten POUND!"

"I- er, I said no. I'm fine. But thanks anyway."

The woman sighed. "Your wife, she will like! All love cat!"

"I'm not married. And I don't fucking want a Neko cat. Like, it's cool and shit, but I'm not into it."

Jawn rolled his eyes and walked up to one of the tables with small ceramic painting handle-less cups on it. Ermergerd-Lock was checking out a rack of clay statues. Jawn picked up a cup and looked at the price tag.

"Buy cat!" the shop keeper yelled again.

Everyone ignored her as they continued to browse.

"Well," Jawn muttered, "fuck me hard."

Ermergerd-Lock looked up, mildly concerned. "What?!"

"The price tags. It's the same symbols. It's that weird eight thing," Jawn gaped.

"Well, fuck me hard," Ermergerd-Lock muttered.

Jawn shook his head. "I'm not really interested."

* * *

They left the shop and started to walk down the street. They had been in complete silence since Jawn rejected Ermergerd-Lock.

"It's an ancient number system," Ermergerd-Lock said as they walked into another shop. "Hangman. But only street traders use them now. But, those numbers were written on the wall at the bank and at the library. Whatdya think of that?"

Jawn shook his head, exasperated that the tags weren't really tags at all but actually numbers! The BSB's walked over to the greengrocer who had some of their stuff outside on display. Above boxes were handwritten signs with the name of the vegitable and the cost in both Chinese/Hangman and English. Jawn looked at one of the signs. It had that bogus eight from way back in the bank.

"Bro! It's a fifteen! What we thought was an artist's tag is actually the number fifteen! How do I life?!"

The detective nodded. "And that's not it! Remember that horizontal line across the bro's face? That's a number, too. It's one, Jawn!"

"We've found it!" Jawn beamed.

They grabbed each other's forearms and jumped around in a circle, squealing with joy.

"I can't believe it! We're brilliant! You're brilliant!" Ermergerd-Lock exclaimed. They suddenly stopped, realising they were so close to each other, their faces only a few centimetres away. Ermergerd-Lock took a step back and coughed. "Er, no homo…" he muttered before turning away, his cheeks a bright red.

They both dropped their excitement and hurried away. Unbeknown to them, someone was watching. It was that chicka who was photographing on Baker Street. She still had on her dark sunglasses and had a camera raised to her eyes. Jawn looked over at her as she lowered the camera. Someone stepped in between them, blocking his view of her.

Nek minute, she was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Jawn and Ermergerd-Lock sit outside that tourist shop, The Lucky Cat. It was also the same shop in which that heterosexual stalker, Andy, was standing by when he tried to find Soo Long.

Anyway, the BSB's sat at the window table of the restaurant adjacent to the shop. Ermergerd-Lock was writing the two Hangman numbers and their English equivalent on a material napkin.

"So," Jawn started, "two men travel from Chine and both go straight for the Lucky Cat emporium. Why for?"

"They brought something back in those suitcases," Ermergerd-Lock replied, drawing a butterfly under the numerals. His napkin was so pretty.

"I don't think you mean duty free," Jawn muttered before a plate of food was put down in front of him. "Fuck yeah, food!"

Ermergerd-Lock sighed and looked up at the waitress. "He means 'thank you'." The detective looked back at Jawn and sighed. "No, not duty free. That shit is usually rather expensive and most of the time, I don't believe the suitcase goes through duty free, does it? For Christ sake, Jawn, use that mind of yours."

"Huh?" Jawn asked, only catching the last few words.

Sadly, for Ermergerd-Lock, Jawn had started eating, so naturally it was all over the table.

"Think about what Seb told us about that Van Cullen bro. He stayed afloat in the market."

"Yhgjbvfeiurgbiaeb…" Jawn muttered through food.

Ermergerd-Lock decided that meant 'lost five mil', so he continued on. "Made that five mil back in a week."

"Mmhm!" Jawn encouraged, shoving more food in his mouth.

"That's how he made such easy money. He was a smuggler." Jawn nodded and shoved in some more food. "A guy like him… it would have been perf. He's a business man who makes frequent trips to Asia."

"Mmhm!" Jawn nodded at Ermergerd-Lock and winked while putting some food in his gob.

"And LuckLess? Well, he was a journo writing about China. So, both smuggled shit out and the Lucky Cat was their destination."

Unfortunately for everyone who was watching, Jawn opened his mouth and left everything fall into the plate. Ermergerd-Lock shot him a disgusted look and rolled his eyes.

"Why'd they die? They both rocked up with the goods, why'd someone kill 'em?"

When he finished his two insignificant sentences, he started to stuff his face again.

"What if," Ermergerd-lock said with a half smile/half grimace, "one of them was light fingered?" Jawn cocked his head as if to ask 'huh?' so Ermergerd-Lock reiterated. "What if they stole something, something from the hoard and the killer doesn't know which took it so he threatens them both."

"Ghon," Jawn managed.

Ermergerd-Lock looked across the street and saw a Yellow Pages directory still in it's plastic wrapping, propped against the door next to the Lucky Cat. "Remind me, Jawn, when was the last time it rained?"

Without warning, Ermergerd-Lock stood up and walked out of the restaurant. Jawn sighed and ran after Ermergerd-Lock, his mouth still full of food.

* * *

The detective bent over to look at that Yellow Pages. The plastic wrapper was damp and torn, exposing some of the pages at the top. The exposed pages were soaked and unreadable.

"It's been here since Monday," Ermergerd-Lock deduced. He stood up and pressed Soo Long's doorbell before looking around and heading down an alley on his right. "No-one's been in that flat for at least three days."

Jawn rolled his eyes. "Maybe they went on a holiday?" he said as though it was the most obvious answer… which it seemed to be.

Alas, Jawn was wrong and Ermergerd-Lock informed him thusly by turning around and yelling 'NUP!' in his face. The Hobbit sized man took a step back and brushed spittle off his face.

"Do you leave your windows open when you go on holiday? If so, you have to leave Baker Street post haste," Ermergerd-Lock informed the doctor before looking up.

There was a cantilevered metal fire escape above his head. Ermergerd-Lock used his cheek bones to pull it down. Jawn watched in moderate surprise as Ermergerd-Lock climbed it. As he reached for it, the Shire opened their arms to welcome their newest addition. The fire escape flew up, leaving Jawn trapped and short and the bottom. Sure, he _tried _to jump for it but, lesbi-honest, he's a fucking Hobbit.

"Ermergerd-Lock!" he called out in a wingy tone.

Ermergerd-Lock, realising his mistake, went on, rolling his eyes as he did so. He entered the kitchen via the window and almost knocked a vase over but because he's got lightning reflexes, like Batman, he managed to save it.

"Gotham," he said in his best Batman voice, "is safe for now."

Jawn, with his Hobbit-ness and Bat like hearing, frowned as he approached the front door, knowing what was happening. Ermergerd-Lock was trying to convince everyone that he was Batman.

There was a wet patch on the rug where the vase would have spilt.

"Someone else has been here, Jawn!" Ermergerd-Lock called out the window.

"Wha-?" Jawn called from the front door.

Speaking to himself, Ermergerd-Lock said "someone else broke into the flat and knocked over the vase like I did. We're pretty much the same person…"

He looked about the kitchen before looking in washing machine. He took out some dirty laundry and raised it to his nose before throwing it away with a grimace. He was glad Jawn wasn't there to lecture him on how he, Ermergerd-Lock, has a dirty clothes fetish.

Speak of the devil, Jawn rang the doorbell and pounded on the wooden door.

"Let me in, bitch!" he called before seeing a woman with two children, both attached to the woman's hands. "Sorry. My friend-"

She shot him a furious look and dragged her children down the street at a faster pace.

Ermergerd-Lock found a tea towel and felt that. It was dry and he nodded. Soo Long was long gone.

"You keep fucking doing this! I'm so done with this!" Jawn called through the mail box.

The detective opened the fridge and found some milk. He unscrewed the lid and smelt it before taking a swig and returning it to its place.

"I'm not the first!" he called out to the sad Hobbit outside.

Jawn put his hear against the letterbox and sighed. "What? You found a purse?"

"Someone's been in here before me!" the detective screamed at the top of his lungs.

Jawn shook his head. "I don't- what?"

The detective grabbed that lil magnifier glass from his coat and looked at the rug.

"Size eight feet," he muttered before standing up and walking through a bead curtain and into the living room/bedroom. "Small but athletic." There was a picture of two kids and someone was stupid enough to press their fingers against the glass. "Small, strong hands. Fucking idiot. And our acrobat. But… why'd he leave the window open? Oh." He rolled his eyes. "Duh! He's still here." Ermergerd-Lock bit his lip and looked around. "Come out, come out, where ever you are…"

He opened one of them folding screens that shielded the bed. There were two stuffed animals, a hedgehog and an otter. They looked at him with mildly terrified expressions. "My apologies. I'm looking for an acrobat. Continue," he said before closing the screen.

A long, white silk scarf came around his neck from behind and pulled him to the floor, strangling him. He clawed at the scarf, trying to relieve the pressure on his neck but to no avail. The assailent dressed in black continued to throttle him.

Meanwhile, in the Shire (aka with Jawn), the little doctor yelled into the letterbox.

"Any time you want to include me, that'd be great." He started to pace in irritation. "No, I'm Ermergerd-Lock Better-Homes and I work alone always because no-one can compete with my," he started before leaning down to yell into the mailbox again, "massive intellect!"

He dropped the letterbox as Ermergerd-Lock lost consciousness. Jawn pressed the doorbell at a constant rate for a few seconds with his stubby little finger.

Surprised at the sudden doorbell attack, the bro trying to kill Ermergerd-Lock dropped the scarf and swore before pushing something in the detectives pocket and fleeing. Jawn was about to leave when the door opened revealing the psychotic detective, rubbing his neck and holding a small origami flower in his other hand.

"The, uh, milk's gone off and the washing's starting to smell. Somebody left here in a hurry three days ago," Ermergerd-Lock said with a croaky voice.

"First of all," Jawn started, "dirty clothes fetish right there. You _clearly _had to smell the clothes and pick it up from somewhere. Second of all, why were you going through their fridge? Third of all, what's with the Batman impression? And finally, somebody?"

"First of all, Jawn, it's for a case, Jawn, shut up, **_JAWN!_** And the someone is Soo Long Lmao. We gotta find her."

Jawn frowned. "How are we gonna do that exactly?"

The detective bent over and picked up something from the ground. It was that envelope that that Andy slipped under her door. It had '_Soo Long, please ring me to let me know you're ok. There's only so much footage my cameras take. Andy X' _and on the back was the National Antiquities Museum (NAM. I'm not gonna write it out again).

"Maybe, dear Jawn, this could be a starting point," Ermergerd-Lock said with his croaky tone.

"Are you doing a Batman impression or getting a cold?" Jawn asked.

"I'm Batman," Ermergerd-Lock coughed out as he tried to recover from being strangled.


	11. Chapter 11

The BSB's stood paced around a display area in the NAM, interviewing Andy.

"When was the last time you saw her?" Ermergerd-Lock asked.

Andy frowned. "In real life or on the cameras?" he asked.

Both Jawn and Ermergerd-Lock exchanged a disgusting look.

"Exqueeze me?" Jawn asked.

"Well," Andy started, "I'm really into Soo Long and I wanna go on a date with her but she keeps saying no. Anyway, I installed cameras around her flat and about London so that I could keep an eye out and try and ask her out the best way possible."

"That doesn't- I- what?" Ermergerd-Lock stumbled.

"That's so wrong." Jawn shook his head and grimaced. "What a creep."

Ermergerd-Lock sighed. "When was the last time you saw her in real life?"

"Three days ago, um, here at the museum. I didn't see her again on the cameras. Last I saw of her, she was getting changed for work that day. This morning they told me she'd resigned just like that. And she left her work unfinished which is weird."

The detective looked over at the teapots on display. Most of them were dull but one was shiny. "What was the last thing she did on her final afternoon?"

Andy brought the duo down to the basement archive and turned on the light.

"She does this demonstration for the tourists. It's a tea ceremony. She'd have packed up her things and put them away in here," he told them before walking them further away from the exit.

They walked to the large book case thing that we had previously seen Soo Long Lmao. They looked at the shelf covered with Hello Kitty stickers when Ermergerd-Lock looked away from shelves and at a life-sized sculpture of a nude woman. As he went to snicker and point it out to Jawn, he noticed yellow spray paint over her eyes.

"Mother of God," Ermergerd-Lock whispered.

There was a horizontal line over her eyes and that upside down eight that he saw at the bank. Andy and Jawn turned around to look over at Ermergerd-Lock.

"Holy shit," Andy muttered. "One and fifteen."

Ermergerd-Lock turned around. "No. It's like the other ones, fifteen and one."

"No," Jawn argued. "You're an idiot. It's clearly one and fifteen."

The detective walked over to Jawn and put his finger on Jawn's lips. "Shhhh!"

The scene faded to black, everyone forgetting that the threat was rendered mute as it was done wrong. Actually, the bro that was threatening Soo Long figured that out as soon as he finished spraying it.

"Shit," I imagine he would've said.

The BSB's walked out of the museum and sighed.

"We have got to find Soo Long Lmao," Ermergerd-Lock said.

Jawn nodded. "If she's alive."

"Ermergerd-Lock!" someone called and they looked over to see Rad running towards them.

"Oh, look who it is," Jawn muttered.

Ignoring Jawn, Rad looked over at Ermergerd-Lock. "I found somethin' you'll like."

He turned around and pranced off, Ermergerd-Lock following behind and Jawn trailing behind.

The trio walked across a bridge and towards the south side of the river.

"Tuesday morning," Jawn whined. "All you gotta do is show up and say the shit was yours."

Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes. "Forget about your goddamn court case, lil bitch!"

They continued to walk for a while, unaware that Chinese lady with them dark glasses was watching them. How ominous…

At South Bank Skate Park, Rad lead the BSB's past a few stoners who were out of their minds. Ermergerd-Lock tried to get some second hand smoking in while Jawn held his breath.

"Shit, dude!" a stoned girl said. "This joint is wicked!"

"If you want to hide a tree, then a forest is the best place to do it, wouldn't you say? People would just walk straight past, not knowing, unable to decipher the message," Ermergerd-Lock said.

Jawn would have thought that Ermergerd-Lock was stoned as well, except for the fact that Jawn saw Ermergerd-Lock unable to get any smoke into his lungs.

"There," Rad said, "I spotted it earlier."

Along with a shit load of other paint, there are shades of yellow forming a Chinese symbol. Some were partially covered by other tags and pictures.

"Gasp!" Ermergerd-Lock exclaimed while looking at all that tags. "They have been in here. And it's legit the same paint?"

Rad nodded. "You betcha!"

"Jawn, if we're going to decipher this code, we're gonna need to look for more evidence," Ermergerd-Lock said.

Jawn couldn't believe that Ermergerd-Lock wasn't high. "Of course we'll need more evidence," he said, shaking his head. "This is part of a murder. Just having tags here doesn't solve the fucking crime, Ermergerd-Lock."

Ermergerd-Lock walked down one end of the railway line and found an abandoned spray can on the tracks. He squatted down and picked it up. After sliding his thumb over the nozzle, he smelt it and frowned. It was empty, to his dismay, meaning that he couldn't have a quick fix.

As that went down, Jawn lived the quiet life, walking through an underpass, making a daisy chain and looking at the graffiti and posters on the wall as he went.

The detective skidded around a corner, running his hands over the walls with posters glued onto it. He tore of the corner of one and put it in his pocket before running off again.

On the railway lines, a flashlight skimmed across the tracks.

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you," Jawn sang as he walked.

As he finished the chorus, he lifted his flashlight up onto the brick wall. He stepped back, his jaw dropping as he realised the entire wall was covered in Chinese symbols.

"Fuck. Me. Hard," he whispered.

* * *

A bit later, Jawn had managed to find Ermergerd-Lock who was looking into a large container thingo.

"Answer your phone, you twat! I've been calling you! I found it! I found the Golden Ticket!"

Ermergerd-Lock gasped. "Gasp!" he said before grabbing Jawn's hand and pulling him back the way he had come.

As they ran, Jawn started to sing the Batman theme song, a smile on his face.

* * *

Back at the wall, Jawn and Ermergerd-Lock stared at the now empty wall.

"It's been painter over! What the fuck?!" Jawn exclaimed.

"I don't understand," Jawn said as Ermergerd-Lock shone his light all over the wall. "Ten minutes ago. I saw it. A whole load of graffiti!"

"Somebody doesn't want me to see it," Ermergerd-Lock muttered to himself.

He put his hands on either side of Jawn's head.

"Er, Ermergerd-Lock? What the fuck?" Jawn asked as his phone started to ring.

The detective looked at Jawn's pocket. "Why is it doing that?"

"Reminder to have a cup of tea before bed," the doctor breathed out.

"Alright, now shut up," Ermergerd-Lock demanded and started to spin Jawn around.

_My Heart Will Go On _(the song from _Titanic _that caused the angel, Balthazar, to unsink the Titanic so the song would never be real that one time in a _Supernatural _episode) was playing but both of them ignored it.

"Shh, Jawn, concentrate. I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes."

"What the hell? No! Why? What are you doing?" Jawn asked. Ermergerd-Lock slid his hands down Jawn's arms and gripped onto his upper arms. As they spun in the spot, staring into each other's eyes with 'My Heart Will Go On' playing, Jawn bit his lip.

"I need you to maximise your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?" Ermergerd-Lock asked, getting rather close to Jawn.

"Yeah."

"Can you remember it?"

"O-of course."

"Can you remember the pattern."

"I remember everything."

"How much can you remember?"

Jawn flushed as he realised how close they were getting.

"I took a picture."

Ermergerd-Lock froze. Jawn still spun, though, before realising the detective had stopped. "Really?" he asked, cocking his head and pulling an absurd face. "Oh. K."

The doctor opened the photos in his phone and showed Ermergerd-Lock the picture. The detective took a step back, rubbing his neck.

"Hashtag awkward, hey?" Ermergerd-Lock muttered before taking the phone and looking at it.

"But you know what doesn't make sense?" Jawn asked. "If they painted over it after I saw, wouldn't they have been watching me and known that I took a photo? Why'd they paint over it if they knew I'd photographed the wall?

Ermergerd-Lock ignored him and set off back to Baker Street.

* * *

**A/N: **_*shuffles over* H-hey guys!_

_Now, before you stone me..._

_Nah, go ahead. Stone me. I legit have no excuse. Can I pin this on my novella? Probs not. My apologies I'm such a shitty person._

_I'm planning on writing a lot more nowisy. I've got about five weeks left of school, a week of exams, then Christmas holidays. YAY! This is also when I'll find out if I got into uni or not and then we'll either see a lot of fluff or angst. But, lesbi-honest, I always write angst and humour, so nothing will really change much, will it?_

_Probably not._

_I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I made it a few extra hundred words longer than I planned because I felt bad. I have another chapter pretty much ready to go but I'll wait a bit until I have a few chapters ready after that. I like to have as much ready as possible so that I can suddenly spam you if I want._

_Anyway, I think that's about all I wanna say. There was a _looooooooooong _authors note at the begining of 'Sherlock Holmes the aweosme librarian or something' so check that out and you'll get all the goss._

_I have put 'on hold' for my uncompelted works but I might change that, especially if i write more. 'Fresh Perspective' will be edited and made awesomer, 'Sherlock Holmes is a boss Libraraiin' will end in a few chapters maybe. The last one actually made me think "nuh" but we'll see. As for this, I do plan on parodying the entire show but it'll depend on time and such. I'm just waiting for some Mormonarty._

_Okie dokie. I think that's all i wanted to say... if you want a more comprehensive thing, check out 'Sherlock Holmes is Molly's bitch' or whatevz. I actually don't know the title._

_Alright. Adios!_

_xx_


	12. Chapter 12

Ermergerd-Lock power walked across the large, open foyer with a staircase at each end and a balcony surrounding the floor above. He skidded to a halt in the middle of the foyer and looked around, which is kind of stupid.

From his right, a figure runs across the balcony and fires a gun at him. It misses and the person swore as he continued to run. Ermergerd-Lock ran the opposite way, throwing himself to the floor and sliding to take shelter behind a statue. He didn't slide very far so he did the worm to the statue instead. The figure tried to fire a few more times but kept missing.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" he yelled in a language other than English.

Back in the restoration room, the place Jawn and Soo Long are taking shelter, Jawn heard the fire and looked over at Soo Long.

"I have to take this. Bolt the door behind me, K?"

When she nodded, he nodded back and walked out. Soo Long's face filled with dread as she heard the door slam behind Jawn.

The doctor walked into the foyer, stopping to look at exhibit before the gun fired a few more times. He ducked for cover as they started to ring out, seeming to come from all around him. He started to have some war flashbacks and stood up, yelling to retreat to the nearest column.

Ermergerd-Lock let Jawn be the distraction as he ran up the rest of the foyer and up the stairs. He ran into another display room and the gunman ran out from behind his cover and towards Ermergerd-Lock. He started to fire again as the detective ducked behind a display cabinet of ancient skulls.

"Careful, you uncultured swine!" Ermergerd-Lock called as the man fired again. "For fuck's sake! These skulls are hella old! Have some goddamn respect!" There was silence and Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes. "Thank you! Damn youth. No respect for anyone."

As the silence continued, Ermergerd-Lock peered through the glass of the case for the gunman.

Ehyo, in the restoration room, Soo Long looked around, beginning to have an anxiety attack. Poor kid.

A drum beat began to sound. Jawn wasn't sure if it was his blood pumping in his ears or legit drum, but Soo Long closed her eyes in despair when it happened and Ermergerd-Lock looked about as if he heard it too.

"Fuck," Jawn muttered. "Nothing's ever clear cut, is it?" he wondered aloud.

When the drumming stopped, assuming it was actually legit, Soo Long took a shaky breath and crawled out from under a desk. On top of the hiding place, paper work fluttered in a slight breeze, even though air conditioning was banned. She crawled to the edge of the table and peered over it before standing up. A door behind her opens and a guy a bit older than her appears.

"Heeeeere's Johnny!" he whisper shouted.

She turned around and gasped. Her gaze started to soften and she gave him a weak and shaky smile.

"Laing," she said, or so the transcriber says. After a moment of hesitation, she spoke again. "Big brother," she said in not English. She reached out and cupped his face with her hand. "Pls."

* * *

Jawn looked around for Ermergerd-Lock, a little pissed of that, yet again, he wasn't important. A single gunshot rang out and he gasped. "Gasp!"

He raced back to the restoration room and looked around for the gunman. He sighed as he found Soo Long lying dead on the table. Sitting on her forehead was a black origami flower, like that ominous one we remember seeing being made.

Ermergerd-Lock appeared from no-where and sighed. "Poor kid. She had to Bear Grylls for days, probably eating rats and waiting to drink tea. It's a hard knock life, as the youth say."

"That," Jawn said, turning to face his friend, "is possibly the most stupidest thing I've ever heard. What the hell does that even mean?"

Ermergerd-Lock furrowed his eyebrows. "She had to Bear Grylls. Ya know, live in inhabitable environment, such as the sewers, and survive for God knows how long. It's gross."

"W-what goes on in your mind that you'd think that'd be a good thing to say?" Jawn asked, shaking his head.

The detective shrugged. "I dunno. Anyway, no time to sit around chatting, we gotta go."

* * *

As the sun rose, the new employee walked into the museum and gasped. Quite a mess was made! Alex, the employee, even found a dead body! Traumatised, Alex quit that day, his third day on the job. He had such a hard time finding jobs and then shit like that happens. Several months later, he still didn't have a job and he had to move out of his flat, unable to pay for his flat. He tried to get counselling for what he saw that morning, but it was too expensive. He got into drugs, but after several months of being an addict, he was unable to pay and he was killed.

The moral of the story is: don't London, or don't let Ermergerd-Lock live in London. Whichever is easier.

* * *

DI Dimmock rummaged through some paper work, ignoring the unwanted guests in his office. The BSB stood a short distance away from Dimmock, their arms crossed.

"How much murder has to happen before you think, 'hmm, maybe there _is _a manic out there'?" Jawn asked, shaking his head. Dimmock ignored that and walked between the boys and to a filing cabinet. "A young girl was gunned down tonight. Tat's three vics in three days. You're the police. You're supposed to be finding him."

Ermergerd-Lock moved between Dimmock and Jawn and put his hands on his hips. "Brian LuckLess and Eddie Van Cullen were working for a gang of international smugglers called the Black Water Flower which is operating in London right under your fugly nose."

With a gasp, Dimmock turned around and looked up at Ermergerd-Lock. "Can you prove that?"

"Of course," Ermergerd-Lock said with a smirk. "Because I'm Batman."

* * *

**A/N: **_It's a christmas miracle!_

_Hey my darling readers! Look at you, so pretty!_

_I feel bad about not updating sooner so I'm gonna work a lot more on this and publishing as regularly as possible, with the knowledge that I'm a bad person :)_

_ILY! x_


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